This Is It

Such a Long Time!

2008-10-08T01:29:00.002-06:00

Wow so I basically forgot I had this blog thing still going. I guess this is mostly just gonna be like a journal for me whenever I remember it. But basically Since my last post...The Crush and I were together until about May and then I broke up with him and then in about June the Ex and I started going out and we've been official since about mid-June and things are going really between the Ex and I. So yeah, now my real ex is the Crush and my real boyfriend now is the Ex on this blog. Confusing but whatever. Oh so I ran my first marathon last Saturday on October 10th! I finished 3 minutes under my target time so I was thrilled. And now I have to study for an Organic Chemistry test tomorrow (well I guess technically today...). Anyway...

The Situation

2008-02-03T22:32:00.000-07:00

So the Crush and I are still moving along. I don't think we're official yet, but that could be coming soon. I saw him last Tuesday and Thursday nights. Tuesday was good, but Thursday was a bit awkward because we told the Ex about us. The Ex at first was really upset with the Crush because he was still having a hard time realizing that the Crush was really done with him. But yeah the Ex was pretty cool with me. He was just mad that he had wasted his time lately trying to get the Crush back when nothing was gonna come of it. I don't know, but basically, the Crush was really caught up with the whole thing and then he got the flu or something and went to spend the weekend with his Dad, so I haven't seen him for a while.

Friday night I went out with the Ex. I was pretty much a date, but it wasn't. We went to out to dinner and then to a movie. It was good. We flirted a bit, but nothing too serious. It was fun. I at first was a bit hesitant to go out with the Ex because I thought the Crush would get jealous or something if I went out with him, but we were just going as friends so it was cool. The movie was really boring though and I actually fell asleep which wasn't so cool. We saw No Country for Old Men. I thought it was pretty good, but it was a little weird and slow at times, which is kinda hard to imagine because it's about this guy being chased by a serial killer. Anyway, the Ex was asking a lot about the Crush and I. I tried to steer the conversation away from that topic, but it was pretty futile. He really is cool with the fact that the Crush and I are getting together, but he still is having a hard time with grasping that the Crush has moved on from him. Apparently, the Ex is having a lot harder time with this whole official unofficial breakup thing between him and the Crush.

But the Ex and I talked a lot about some family stuff and it was really cool. He told me about his family more and how they have no idea that he is gay. He says he is bisexual, but nobody really believes him. He really does act like a straight guy, but he has no luck with girls, which is kinda weird because he is a pretty cute guy and should have no problem with that. But yeah, we all are pretty sure he's 100% gay. Anyway, he was just telling me how when he was going out with the Crush (they were together for 9 months...) he told his parents he was with a girl. The Ex actually asked one of his girl friends to pretend to be his girlfriend and he introduced her to his parents. But yeah, it made me realize how lucky I am to have parents that are so accepting and can hardly wait for me to bring home my first boyfriend! It was really good to talk with the Ex about stuff. I can tell that he is really hurt by how the Crush has moved on from him, but I think it is really good that the Ex can come to me, the one who is now with the Crush, for support and comfort when he feels all alone. I can tell that someday, the Ex and I are gonna be really tight! (that whole "really tight" thing is an inside joke between the Ex and I, if he knew about this blog, he would get it, and he would laugh...)

Anyone watch the Super Bowl? I know I didn't! I honestly didn't even know who was playing until today. But I still got dragged to my uncle's place for a party and it was really lame.

It's Been A Long Time!

2008-01-28T21:31:00.000-07:00

Sorry about dropping off the face of the planet for a few weeks. I had pneumonia and stopped breathing and had to go to the hospital for a while and then I was pretty sick recovering. The whole thing has really sucked. Basically I've withdrawn from all my classes for the semester and moved out of the dorms and back home with my Dad and Stepmom because I had missed too much school and the Dean actually met with my parents saying it would be best to drop all my classes for the semester and make it up in the summer. So that's what I'm doing. I'm finally feeling better and now I have a lot of free time! But using the internet requires plugging my laptop into the cable connection in my Dad' office and I'm kinda a lazy guy so that's why I haven't posted until now. I'll try to keep the posts regular, but we'll see how hard it is for me to keep up with having to deal with a wired internet connection. I've been so spoiled with wireless internet in the dorms!

So things with the Crush have actually been picking up lately! Last Friday night we made plans to go to a movie. I went over to his place a little early though to tell him the whole pneumonia story. I was without my cell phone or an internet connection for about a week and a half so everyone thought I was being a jackass and ignoring them. Lucky for me, the Crush was very understanding.

We went to go see Sweeney Todd, which I really don't recommend seeing. I'm not a big fan of musicals, but this one was just really disturbing and gory and boring. The only thing that made the movie interesting was that the Crush and I held hands and kind of cuddled in the movie theater. We got some weird looks from an older guy and his wife sitting right next to the Crush, but we didn't care.

After the movie we went back to the Crush's place. He just got a little TV with a built-in VCR player that he is way stoked about. He only has like 3 Disney movies for it though... so we decided to watch Aladdin! We were talking about the movie and stuff when all of a sudden the Crush leaned over and kissed me. This was pretty much the end of watching Aladdin.

Soon the making out was relocated to the bedroom. We stayed fully clothed, but there was a lot of ass grabbing down the pants, but there wasn't any reaching down of the pants in the front... We did, however, both have some raging hard-ons going so there was a lot of dry humping. It was fun!

Then we talked about the Ex. We both decided that it would be best to kind of slow down until we tell the Ex about us. When the Ex and I hooked up and then later told the Crush, he flipped out. So this time we're gonna try a better approach and be more honest about what's going on between each other. The Ex also kind of thinks that he and the Crush could possibly be getting back together sometime soon, but the Crush made it pretty clear that he was done with the Ex, at least in terms of a romantic relationship, they are still really good friends. So we figured it would be good to call the making out good for the night and I went home around 2 in the morning.

Saturday night I was just hanging out at home with my family when I got a text from a drunken the Crush. He wanted to go running with me Monday morning, so we made plans for me to be at his place by 8 to go running. Then on Sunday night, I got a text from the Crush saying that if I wanted to make things more "convenient" I could just spend the night at his place so I wouldn't have to drive in the morning... I convinced my parents I wasn't going to some murderer/rapist's place and then left.

I got to the Crush's place and we went to his bedroom. We started talking about some random stuff and then awkwardly got in bed together, fully clothed. We started making out and soon we were pulling each other's shirts off...and then each other's pants...and then each other's underwear...and then we were pulling each other's cocks. Pretty soon we were blowing each other (at the same time too!) and then we finished each other off by hand. It was fun.

I do think, however, that we probably took things a bit farther than what we said we were gonna do on Friday night. So now I'm a bit anxious as to how things will turn out between the three of us. So much drama! I just got a text from the Crush and he asked if he should tell the Ex about everything we did last night. I told him that I think we should tell him, but that the decision is up to him to decide when we tell the Ex. He said that he thinks we should wait a little bit. I just want this to be over with! Especially before something more happens between the Crush and I!

Okay, I have a lot going on tomorrow so I'm gonna go to bed now.

Music: "Mirror Kissers" by The Cribs

School and Stuff

2008-01-12T01:13:00.000-07:00

Basically I've been a loser all week. I've been working kind of a lot, but I've been studying a lot more. I'm already about 2 weeks ahead in my Chemistry class and about 1 week ahead in my Biology class. I've just been studying in all my spare time and doing a lot of reading and taking notes. It's been really stressful and I'm incredibly exhausted already, but I think it might have to do with how I'm getting a cold or something.

Yeah, no news on the Crush. I've texted him a few times. Apparently they have these photographers wander around the gay club we went to last Friday and they took a picture of the Crush, Lip Virgin, and I dancing together and it's posted online... Let's just say it isn't the greatest picture of any of us. I had no idea they took our picture, so i have this weird look on my face like I'm pissed off or something.

But the Ex (he's the Crush's ex, not mine, who I hooked up with a while back...) has been texting me today... I think we got in a texting fight? We were just texting about his new profile picture on Facebook (that I mentioned I thought was an awful picture of him...), but somehow he managed to bring the conversation back to us having sex. Every time he texts me, he somehow mentions that I still want to fuck him. I keep telling him he's out of his league thinking I would ever hook up with him again and stuff like that. It was kinda funny at first, but it's been like 3 months now, and it's pretty annoying. So I mentioned how funny it was that the last time he and I spoke in person, we were joking about how "tight" we'll be someday or something, but that that will never happen because he's too full of himself and is turning into a shallow asshole who needs to get laid, and not by me...

He quickly said he was just joking around about the whole me-wanting-sex thing, but I just kind of played along with his apology joke and then stopped texting him. I don't know. I do like the Ex, but I don't think I would ever want to really get close to him, even as a friend I think. He seems pretty immature for his age... I can't say I'm the most mature person either, but I'm only 18, he's 23. Plus, things really have just been awkward ever since he and I had sex. The Ex, the Crush, and I don't really all hang out together very much since THAT night. I mean, we do, but it's mostly just us studying together and not really saying anything to each other. It's definitely one of those invisible elephants that everyone knows is there, but fails to acknowledge...

As far as my thoughts on what may become of the Crush and I... I'm kinda thinking nothing. But it's cool. I knew I shouldn't get my hopes up, but whatever. I told my sister about last Friday night, and she knew all about my history with him before too. She said that she thought I would be making a mistake by attempting to proceed with the Crush. She thinks he'll just break my heart or something. She sees that I'm probably into him a lot more than he'll ever be into me. Plus, she mentioned that I'm knew to this whole dating thing so I shouldn't just throw myself into (she didn't mean literally...) the first guy that shows interest. A few of my friends who know about the Crush and I also think that I should stay at the friend level, without the kissing too. It seems like everyone thinks it just wouldn't work out or something and that I'd just be wasting my time and end up hurt. I don't know if I agree with any of it, but I guess I have been known to be kind of an ignorant person sometimes...

Music: "Moan" by Trentemoller

Tomorrow...

2008-01-06T20:07:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow classes start again. I was looking forward to it earlier in the break, but now I'd like another few weeks off before going back. Oh, and I was pretty upset to find out that my greek philosophy teacher gave me a B+, which dropped my GPA to a 3.685 and I need to keep a 3.7 GPA for my scholarship! So now I'm on probation this semester and HAVE to get at least a 3.7 to keep my scholarship. The money isn't that big of a deal though. In-state tuition is like 5k a year I think (it's a big, public, research university, that's why it's so cheap I guess), but my Dad said as long as I keep my scholarship, I can use my school savings to pay for housing, and I would really like to keep my scholarship so that next year I could afford a nicer place off campus either by myself or with a roommate or two!

Either way, my school savings will get me through all of my undergraduate and probably 3 of the 4 years of dental school... so I don't have too much to worry about when it comes to the financial part of bad grades, but still I need a better GPA than a 3.685 to get into dental school... I'll definitely be working a lot harder this semester! But come on, it was my first semester of college and living away from home, and it still isn't all that bad! Plus, I was super stressed out with this whole coming out thing, and my Mom had a little medical scare that was pretty significant as well. It was definitely an eventful year for me and my family and we are all glad it's finally over!

But the biggest news is I went running with the Crush this morning! It could have gone better, but it was still good. It was a little weird because I was in a lot better shape than he. He goes to the gym a few times a week supposedly so he's got a good body, he just doesn't do much cardio, because he wasn't doing to hot. And I honestly don't know if he has a six-pack or not. From what I felt at the club, he's firm, but I wouldn't think he's really defined. But the running will help with that!

Oh, and it started snowing after about 5 minutes of running and by the end of the run it was practically a blizzard and we were both soaking wet. I didn't wear a hat, so my hair was completely drenched and I probably looked like shit, oh well. But the snow made it a bit slippery, and the Crush actually slipped and fell on his ass! We both laughed it off though because it wasn't a very hard fall. And I also kinda slipped and practically did the splits and now my inner right thigh is a little sore. It's not bad, but I don't think I'm gonna go running tomorrow because of it :(

When we got to the point where I went one way home and he went the other way, it was awkward. Goodbye? Yeah... I think he was expecting something, like at least a hug, but I just kinda kept running... probably a mistake, but I texted him when I got home and flat out said that we were "just friends" (which is how he put it after Friday night) so that's why I didn't give him some romantic goodbye kiss in the soaking, cold snowstorm, but I did add that it would have been nice. He responded with a little "Maybe next time..." That's quite an expectation to meet for our next run together! We then texted for another 2 hours until I had to go to work...

Work was lame. Because of the nasty snowstorm, there was nobody there. So the store was empty and I wanted to shoot myself after my 6 hour shift.

Then I went to my mom's house for dinner. My mom told me she would be out shopping, but would be home by 6 to have dinner ready by the time I got here. But here I am! It's after 8 and she still isn't here. I had some soup that she made last night for a little dinner party she had, and now I'm really bored. I'll probably head to my place soon and go to bed... My first class tomorrow is at 7:30! I'm totally not a morning person either, but I absolutely couldn't take the class at another time because of my stupid schedule and certain class times being stupid or something stupid like that. I had a class at 7:30 a.m. last semester... I went to about the first two weeks of class and then after that I only went for the exams... I got an A! That's not very good motivation for me to keep up with my 7:30 a.m. class this semester...

Music: "Frozen" by Madonna

The Club

2008-01-05T23:53:00.000-07:00

Okay so here it is!

So I went to a gay club last night with the Crush and this other guy who was actually the first guy I ever kissed on the lips! We'll call this guy the Lip Virgin I guess...

Anyway, I don't go to the club very often. Mostly because I don't really have a lot of gay friends to go with. Last night was actually only my second time ever going. The first time I went was with the same two guys and it was also the same night the Lip Virgin kissed me, but that's another not as exciting story...

So last night! I first went out to dinner with my family and then I went to a movie, Juno, with some high school friends. There were four of us at the movie, two guys two girls (the girls are twins), and one of the twins knows I'm gay, but the other guy and her sister don't know... Anyway I left them after the movie to go hang out with the Crush and the Lip Virgin because the Crush texted me saying he was gonna go to the club and wanted to know if I wanted to go. So of course I was willing to bail on my high school friends to go to the club with the Crush! And I texted the one girl that knows I'm gay and I told her the real reason why I left after the movie and she was totally cool with it, although we were supposed to hang out tonight and I never heard from her... Anyway! (I say "anyway" A LOT! I know, I should increase my vocabulary or something, it's just I get so distracted when I'm blogging it seems like...)

Anyway! So I went up to Lip Virgin's place and he and the Crush were just hanging out drinking a few beers. We stayed chatting for about an hour and a half and then we finally left for the club. By the time we showed up at the club it was about midnight. I saw like 4 guys from work there and danced with some of them for a while, but they all seemed to leave kinda earlyish... So I spent the last while with just the Crush and Lip Virgin. It was so much fun! We were doing the whole grinding thing with one guy in the middle and the other two guys on either side sandwiching the middle guy. I'll admit, I got hard when I was in the middle!

Fairly early in the night the three of us were all dancing and then Lip Virgin had to go to the bathroom to piss or something, leaving the Crush and I alone. He was dancing behind me and when Lip Virgin left I turned around to face him, and like right after I turned around he kissed me! It was so amazing to be there making out with him in the middle of the dance floor with everyone else either dancing or doing the exact same thing! But then we were rudely interrupted by some of my friends from work who saw us making out and they were jokingly calling me a slut and stuff. It was funny...not! But we quickly got back to dancing for a little bit, but for some reason, the rest of the night we kept stopping to make out! Oh, and I got a little squeeze of his ass, very nice!

It was so much fun! Definitely the best making out ever! But we didn't do anything after. We were all pretty tired and Lip Virgin was driving and he dropped me off at my car because I parked a few blocks away from his place because I didn't know exactly where it was, and I was sitting in the backseat by myself (long story, well not really but I don't want to tell it) and so I didn't get a chance to give him a kiss or anything goodbye. But whatever, we had had our fair share of kissing for the night already!

And then this morning I woke to a text from the Crush asking if it was cool if we were "just friends" for now and that it also would be cool if something like that happened again and stuff. I of course told him I was cool with that. It's not like I was expecting us to get married or something after one night. But yeah then he also wants to start running with me to get back in shape (although by the feel of his ass, he doesn't seem too out of shape!), so we're gonna go running together tomorrow morning! I'll let you know how that goes.

So who knows what will happen between the Crush and I. Worst case scenario, we try to take things further, they don't work out, and we stay friends. I can live with that. But no matter what, I'm excited at the possibility of a boyfriend! I've never had one, but I'm ready to try this whole relationship thing out. Even if we don't ever make it to the "official" stage, it'll still be fun to be more open about the kissing since we've already made out so much! Life is good right now! Except for the fact that classes start again on Monday! Ugh!

Oh, and I had an absolutely shitty New Year's Eve with a bunch of straight, homophobic guys! So I'm gonna call my kiss with the Crush last night my New Year's Eve kiss! I don't even want to start saying how awful New Year's Eve was...

And one last thing. I'm a pretty big runner I guess, kind of, sort of. I've been running a lot this past year and I ran my first half marathon this last fall and I'm registered for another one in April! I'm also doing a 30k running series where I do a 5k about three weeks from now, and then two weeks later we do a 10k, and then two weeks after that we do a 15k. And then about two or three weeks after that I'm doing a 10 miler run! And I think by then the half marathon is about a week or two after the 10 miler! So I'm excited to get back to running. I kind of took it really easy on the running after the half marathon, so I'm definitely ready to get back into it!

Music: "Are You Ten Years Ago" by Tegan and Sara

The Beginning?

2008-01-05T02:27:00.001-07:00

So I'm gonna have to do the full post later, but basically tonight could be the beginning of something finally happening between the crush and I. I know I said I was over him, but tonight might have changed things a little bit...

We kissed. A lot. And it was good! But kissing (and some minor feeling around...) was all we did... But like I've mentioned, from where we once were, this is pretty good progress!

Soon!

2007-12-31T18:01:00.001-07:00

Okay, I'll be moving back on campus this Friday and then I'll have better internet access. Right now, I have to get on the family computer to get online and I've tried convincing my Dad that I can set up the wireless router, but he insists that we hire someone to get everything organized and shit. I've told him a million times that it would be really easy to setup, but he's a stubborn old lawyer who insists that it really shouldn't be my problem and that he'll just get it all done later. I told him that my problem was not having the wireless internet, but then we started arguing about it and I decided to just drop the whole thing. Whatever.

Soon I'll be posting regularly!

Oh, and the whole obsession with the Crush, it's definitely not an obsession anymore. Basically, I haven't seen him, or even talked to him, since about a month ago, so that pretty much fizzled out. But he did message me over facebook today and so I might end up seeing him some time soon. I'm pretty sure that he's lost interest in me too, but it's cool. I'm over it :)

Music: "Countdown" by Jupiter One

Not Such a Great Weekend

2007-12-20T16:05:00.000-07:00

Sorry it's been so long since my last post. I went out of town with my mom to a cousin's wedding. It was just downright shitty. I had absolutely no fun the entire time, but whatever.

It was like a 5 hour drive to the place where the wedding was at and so it was just Mom and I driving together. I offered to take a turn driving, but she refused. So I sat there the entire time watching Queer As Folk. It's pretty good. I like it. I've finished the entire first season and now I'm just waiting for the second season to come in the mail... But it was a little awkward at times watching QAF with my mom sitting right next to me... Let's just say there is plenty of gay sex in that show, and I like it! But yeah it's a little awkward to see that with your mom sitting right there...

Anyway, the wedding. It was long and boring. The actual ceremony only took like 15 minutes! But then there was a reception right afterwards that was about 5 hours long! My cousin who got married grew up mormon, but when she met the guy who she married, she stopped going to church so they just had a traditional wedding thing. My Grandma was pretty upset at first that she wasn't getting married in the mormon temple, and then when the groom's family wanted alcohol at the reception she started threatening to not even go to the wedding. Either way, it was really annoying to have all my aunt and uncles ask how school was going because of course the next thing they want to know about after school, is girls. And then of course after girls they all want to know about this "rumor" they heard that I "might" not be going on a mission. So basically I told everyone that I didn't have a girlfriend, there were no potential possibilities I had my eyes on, and that I absolutely wasn't going on a mission and actually hadn't been to church in about 4 months now. Most of my family was pretty cool about the whole not wanting to go on a mission, but when they heard that I haven't even been going to church, that's when they really got concerned.

My mom told me about how one of her sister's approached her and told her that she needed to start going to church so that I would start going back as well. My mom hasn't been going to church in about 20 years! Why would she start going back now! I just can't believe how bigoted a lot of mormons are. My mom said that my aunt was acting like it was the end of my perfect future if I didn't stay active. My mom just kind laughed it off though. My mom knows what I want and truly believe in, which makes things so much easier with handling the family!

And then because I took the whole weekend off of work to go to the wedding, I had to work 7 hour shifts on Tuesday and Wednesday nights. Today I went skiing with a girl friend of mine. It was so amazing! I didn't buy a season pass this year because I thought I would be too "busy" with school and stuff, but I kinda forgot about the 3 weeks I had off of school in December...

Tonight I'm having dinner with my mom, sister, sister's boyfriend (future fiance...), and perhaps my grandma. It'll be a party! Oh, and on Monday night I went out to dinner with my sister and her boyfriend and it could have gone better...

I didn't know if my sister had told him I was gay or not so it was a little awkward at first because she was asking about school and friends and stuff, but she didn't ask how things were going with the Crush and I or any other guys, so I figured she hadn't told him yet. And then while we were eating, he told us a pleasant little story about how one night he and a bunch of his buddies went out to a bar and there was a group of obviously gay guys. He and his friends went over to the gay guys and starting picking a fight and eventually the cops showed up and actually arrested one of his friends...

Awesome! My sister is going to marry a guy that hates gay men! I can't wait to see how he reacts when he finds out I'm gay!

Oh, and I was called a fag the other day at work too! I was helping this one guy pick out some shirts to wear for his new job and he asked me how he looked in one of them after he tried it on. I just told him he looked really good and he quickly responded "Thanks, but what are you? Some kinda Fag!" I simply walked off, told my manager (the same one that was crying in front of me the other night), and then she went over and told the guy that he needed to leave the store. He threw a little fit and eventually left.

This is the first time anyone has ever attacked me for being gay. And I don't think I'll ever forget it. The guy was a total asshole about the whole situation too. I really wanted to do something worse to him, but I think he was pretty embarrassed being escorted out of the store. I didn't know what to expect. I knew that it was probably inevitable that something like this was going to happen to me someday, but I just wasn't expecting it to happen at work, especially when a majority of the male employees are known to be gay. I'm hurt, but I'll survive. I just wish it hadn't happened the night after going out to dinner with my sister and her boyfriend and hearing his little story. Plus, with the whole family thing this last weekend, it was just a lot of bad stuff to happen all at once.

But I found out that I rocked my chemistry final! I scored 60 points higher than the class average (there are +200 people in the class too...) and 23 points lower than the highest score. I practiced a little bit of what I remember from AP Statistics and found out I scored in the top 10% of the class, I think I should get an A right?! And now classes are done with for a few weeks and I have nothing to do! It'll be nice, but nothing too exciting. I'm still looking for something to do on New Year's Eve! I've already been invited to like 3 different parties with people I know from high school, but I really don't want to go to any of those because I'm not out to my high school friends and so it's really awkward for me to be around them. Plus, I don't really like them very much any more. I'll probably end up going to one of them, but what would really be awesome is if someone from work invited me to something, or better yet, maybe the Crush will invite me along to whatever he's doing...

Music: "Fortress" by Pinback

Drinking

2007-12-15T00:24:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I drink. Get used to it. I'm gay. Get used to it.

Finals!

2007-12-13T00:27:00.001-07:00

So yeah I've had my finals this week. I had my first one in a greek philosophy class last Monday, and my last one is on Friday in Chemistry! I had three big research papers due in my other classes last week, so now I've just got chemistry to do and then I'm done with my first semester of college! I think basically all day I'm gonna be studying tomorrow (well technically today, it's already Thursday...). It'll definitely suck!

Work has been pretty lame lately too. I worked last night and today too. Last night was really bad though. We had these two new guys working and they are complete assholes! They were messing around the entire time and didn't get anything done and were ignoring customers and it was really bad. One of my managers was yelling at them and is now probably gonna be firing them after she talks to the other managers about it. But yeah after she freaked out at them, I was in the back stockroom with her and she just broke down and started crying to me. She was really upset that the new guys were so disrespectful to her. And then she mumbled something about her mom, sister, and I think a boyfriend...but she was totally balling her eyes out and so I could hardly understand what she was saying exactly. I hugged her and it was a little awkward, but not so much. She just has such a low self-esteem and it is really confusing. I don't know what's going on with her, but I do know that she thinks she is unattractive, and even if I'm gay I can tell you that she is definitely not ugly! She is actually very good looking and she could get any guy she wanted! She also is pretty passive and quiet and it's really weird to have her as a manager because she should be more controlling and like a leader, but she's not so much of either of those things unfortunately. But she is incredibly nice and I love talking with her. She's cool.

Anyway, that was a really long story about nothing really. The main reason why I mentioned the assholes at work was because they were messing around, I offered to stay late and help my manager close up so she wouldn't have to stay all by herself finishing up with stuff. The problem with this is that I take the subway to work and the last train from where I work to the dorms at my university leaves 15 minutes after I was scheduled to get off. I thought that there were a few more trains for the night, but those later trains only run on Friday and Saturday nights... So because I stayed an extra half hour helping my manager close up, I missed the last train back home! I wore flip-flops and a light sweater to work and it was like 20 degrees outside and snowing a little bit! It was awful. It was about midnight when I realized the trains weren't gonna be coming so I tried getting ahold of someone at the dorms who could come pick me up, but no success! So I called up the Ex to see if he could come get me. And lucky for me, he did. It took him like 15 minutes to get downtown where I work, so I was fucking freezing my ass off by the time he picked me up. But I'm glad I called up the Ex because the Crush was with him! So I got to see the Crush last night. It was good.

Today I bought some really cool jeans. They're just the Levi's 511 skinny, faded black, slightly worn jeans, only $50 too! I've always wanted a pair of black jeans, and I finally have some. It's kind of pathetic, once again, but the jeans remind me of the Crush. He has a pair of black jeans that he wears a lot and his ass looks amazing in them and so I always drool all over him whenever he wears his black jeans. I don't know what it is, but there is something special about black jeans compared to blue ones... Maybe it's just that the Crush has a pair of black ones and he's the only guy I've really noticed that has a pair of black jeans that I know of...

So I asked my Mom the other day to rent the first season of Queer as Folk! I'm so excited because discs 3, 4, and 5 came in the mail today. For some reason the first two discs won't ship, oh well. So I'll stop by my mom's place tomorrow and pick them up and probably end up watching a few episodes tomorrow during my "study breaks..." I'm excited to see it. The only "gay" movies I've seen are Brokeback Mountain, Latter Days, and Boy Culture. I actually skipped seminary (a class you take in high school where you get released from school to go to a mormon-religion class...) one day to watch Brokeback Mountain ironically... But yeah I just watched Boy Culture yesterday. It was pretty good. The main character guy, X, oh my god! He is drop dead gorgeous am I right?! But yeah I just related to how they mentioned how a phase 1 fag is one who is first coming out and doesn't want to sleep with a lot of guys because he just wants to stay away from the whole "slut" image and wants to find a real love or something. I'm definitely fitting right in as a phase 1 fag! I've only had sex 4 times, 3 times with the first guy I hooked up who I'm fairly good friends with still, and then the other time was when I was totally drunk off my ass and hooked up with the Ex. But all 4 times happened in like a 2 week period... And that was about two months ago. Actually it was exactly two months ago today when I hooked up with the Ex! Okay, I guess technically it was October 14th because it was after midnight, but I went over to the Ex's place on the 13th, so I'm gonna call October 13th the night of the hook up. So yeah, that's kind of funny that I mentioned this on my two-month-sex-free anniversary! I'm definitely horny...

I cannot wait for this semester to be over with. I'm on a full-ride scholarship and I have to maintain a 3.7 GPA and I'm pretty sure I'll get at least that this first semester. I'm pretty sure I'll get an A in 3 of my 6 classes (it's like 15 credit hours...), and then most likely an A, mabye an -A, in the other three. That should be good enough right? I hope so...I worked my ass off this semester between the stress of coming out, school, work, friends, family, and then a slew of other things... So I'll have no school again until January 7th after my last final on Friday! I cannot wait! It will be so nice and relaxing not having to do anything for 3 weeks. Hopefully it will give me a chance to maybe get something going between the Crush and I...

Music: "I Hate Camera" by The Bird and The Bee

The Mormon Experience

2007-12-11T00:51:00.000-07:00

So first off, Saturday night was pretty disappointing. I was scheduled to work from 6-midnight, but my manager called and asked if I could come in early because we had a lot of no shows. So I worked from 4-midnight. It was awful. I work at a retail clothing store and I was put on register and we were super busy. Like I was constantly, CONSTANTLY ringing up people from 4-about 9ish when things finally slowed down and my manager go on my break before closing up. And so yeah after work I was just about ready to die because I already hadn't had much sleep from the night before so I was already tired!

And then, the Crush texted me after I got off of work and wondered if I wanted to go to his place and have a few beers and hang out with him and two of his girl friends (definitely fag hags...). But I was so exhausted that I told him I was just gonna go to bed...And I was kicking myself in the ass the next morning totally regretting it. I should have gone and seen him. Why not? Who cares if I was tired, I was up till about 1:30 anyway. I mean I probably would have been up a lot later if I had gone and seen him, but whatever. And I mean come on, just totally relaxing and hanging out...who knows what might have possibly happened!

I'm not just saying that I want to get with the Crush. I do actually really like him. I think about him all the time. It's a little scary, almost obsessive I guess you could say, but it's not really entirely my fault. I just get reminded of him so easily. Like, he likes most of the lights turned off and being a darker atmosphere, so whenever I'm just hanging out in my room at night and I'm just sitting on my bed with the lamp on, it's a pretty shitty lamp, so it barely lights up the room and it totally creates a mood that reminds me of the Crush. Plus, music is another huge thing that reminds me of him. I never really liked Madonna until one day I was hanging out at the Crushes apartment with some people (it was actually me, the Crush, the Ex, and the first guy I hooked up with...kind of a strange combo when it happened...) and we were listening to some music of the Crush's and when Madonna came on I totally realized how much I love her too. And now every time I listen to Madonna, I think of the Crush. Oh, and the Sounds and Moby are also definitely Crush bands. The Crush and I had chemistry lab discussion together, so whenever I went to that class I was constantly thinking about him and glancing around the auditorium to see if I could see him and stuff. I don't know. I just get so easily reminded of him. Oh, and his last name. I take public transportation to work because I'm a poor college student (I do have my own car, but as a college student I get a free public transport pass) and on the way to work, we pass by an apartment complex that is called " 'The Crush's Last Name' Apartments." So I basically think of him every day I work too. I could go on about a few other things too, but then I really would be obsessing... (Oh and this one book I'm reading has a review on the back, and the reviewer's last name is the same as the Crush's too... The book is Girls who like Boys who like Boys it's kind of a cute book about a bunch of random collection of stories/personal narratives about gay men and their relationships with women. It was an early Christmas gift from one of my girl friends who originally befriended me because she thought I was cute and had a crush on me. Boy was she surprised, and disappointed..., when I told her!)

And then yeah, Sunday was the big day of the farewell. It was so uncomfortable to be there. Luckily nobody asked me to help bless the sacrament, but that was only because I was purposely late... which also meant I got to sit in the back of the chapel. My Mom came with me, so it wasn't so bad because she was there. But my Young Men's President came over and of course wanted to talk about stuff since I hadn't really seen him since mid-August when I last went to church (Yeah, I was totally active in the LDS church until this last August when I started coming out to myself and slowly to my new friends and then my family, and now to my long time friends...). He of course mentioned how it will only be a few more months until I can start filling out my papers and then go on a mission myself. I told him that I wasn't so sure about going on a mission, I said "maybe, maybe not." I then said the same thing to this one older lady in the ward that is pretty good "friends" with my Mom. As we were leaving, my Mom asked why I didn't just tell people that I wasn't going. I know for sure that I'm not going on a mission, so why even tell them otherwise? And she's right. I should have just been like "You know what, I'm not gonna go on a mission because I've realized that the gospel and everything with the church just isn't entirely for me." But I chickened out and couldn't bring myself to telling everyone I wasn't gonna live up to their expectations.

But yeah my friend gave a little talk and in the end he was thanking everyone in his life for support and when he got to his friends he mentioned he started to choke up and cry a bit and said how glad he was that all his friends have always been there for him and that they've helped him make good choices and stay away from bad choices that they could have easily made. That's kind of when I realized that I wasn't one of those friends to him. I'm not. I was for about 4 years of my life, but the last few years really haven't been much of a healthy relationship in those terms. I started quickly falling away from the church this last May when I started drinking with my friends and then the swearing came on and then the skipping church every now and then... But I knew that I would eventually fall away from the church anyway. It was inevitable. If I wanted to be happy and gay, I would have to get away from the mormon church. And I think a lot of people will know what I mean when I mention this certain "look" that mormons have towards people that aren't mormon. I guess more specifically, people that used to be mormon, but suddenly reveal that they have been "sinning" or when someone is suspected to be mormon but when they find out that they really are not mormon... It's these instances when the mormons have this signature "look." It's one of the worst looks in the world, and I've been getting it so much these past few months. It's like, suddenly all the life and everything portrayed through someone's gaze is suddenly, instantly vanished. Nothing. It's as if you suddenly ruined their life or something by simply telling them that maybe the church just isn't for you. I can't quite explain it entirely, but this "look" is awful, and I got it from my friend last Sunday.

When the meeting was over, I went up to hug him and say congratulations and whatever and I told him that I would call him sometime this week and we could have lunch or something before he leaves (next Wednesday!). But yeah he quickly started talking to me and wouldn't let me leave with just a quick congratulations-hug-goodbye. He asked what I have been up to the past few months (I really haven't even seen him since August probably...) and I told him just having fun at college. He asked if I had been going to a student ward at all, and when I told him no, that's when it hit me. Like a train. Like a freaking freight train going a million miles an hour. I was erased from his bank of "good" friends. I've known him way too long to not know that this is exactly what he thought. His Dad was our bishop for 6 years and was just released this last year, so my friend was definitely what I considered a "super-mormon." And just like that, my best friend from all of junior high and my first year of high school cut me out of his life. God, I wonder what he'll think when he finds out I'm gay too. But then again, it's not like we've been very good friends since that first year of high school, so what's the big deal? I have other, better, more substantial friendships now...

So I basically felt like shit the rest of Sunday. I spent it studying The Iliad, The Golden Ass, Aeneid, Oedipus the King, and The Book of Job for an English-Philosophy-Honors-class final I had on Monday morning. But I did, however, totally rock that final! So I'm pretty happy about that. I'll find out officially on Friday how well I did, but I'm pretty sure I did really well. So now I only have one more final and it's not until Friday, and it's in Chemistry. I am totally a weird gay guy. I love science and math! I love them! Which is kind of unusual for a generalized view of gay men right? Don't most gay guys like literature, acting, political science, and other artsy stuff? So yeah, my Chemistry final, it'll be a total breeze! Which means I have the whole week to lazily study for my favorite class and just chill!

Yeah, I have this habit of staying up like really late, like every night. I think that's why I was so tired on Saturday night. After the whole week of staying up really late, it finally caught up to me then. Shit. It's like 2 in the morning now. I always seem to get side tracked when typing up posts. I think I started this like an hour ago, but some girls came by and visited me for a bit, they were drunk, it was exciting....and really loud! I should probably go to sleep. I don't want to tell the Crush I can't hang out with him because I'm tired again! But I don't want to go to sleep. I just want to cuddle with someone. Is that too much to ask for?

Music: "Prescilla" by Bat For Lashes

A Good Night

2007-12-08T01:02:00.000-07:00

Okay, first off I'm well aware that the Ex is a fairly big reader of these gay blog thingys, so I'm aware that it is entirely possible that somehow he may find this blog. If he (you) do, please tell me! I've been completely honest to you in person about things. The Ex asks if I still like the Crush and I tell him the truth about how I feel. But yeah, just let me know if you do find this ever! Please!

Tonight was really good actually! I went down to the Ex's place to watch a movie with him and the Crush. It was a strange show, but it was part of a series or something so I didn't follow it very well, I don't know... Anyway, once the movie was over, the Ex had the bright idea of going to this outdoor mall. Funny thing is, it was snowing like crazy outside! So yeah, we went shopping at the mall and the Crush and I gave fashion advice to the Ex. The Ex claims to be bisexual, and also claims to have zero fashion sense. It was fun.

Then we went to this Thai place for dinner. It was snowing outside, and we were obviously outside as we were at an outdoor mall, and my hair looked like shit. I don't care, it's my blog, and I'm gonna bitch about my hair for a second. I use this forming cream from American Crew, and if it's raining or snowing and my hair gets wet, the cream basically dissolves or something and my hair loses everything it has going for it. Plus, I'm at the point where my hair is at this awkward length where it's kind of too long for the forming cream to look very good styled in it, but it's not long enough to look good with no product in it. I don't know. I've just never really liked my hair and I've tried a ton of different styles and just can't find one that I like.

Anyway! So we got to the restaurant and I was totally bummed that I was sitting there with the guy I hooked up and the guy I have a huge crush on and I looked like dripping wet shit. But they were really wet too so I guess it was okay. But yeah it was pretty fun, until we were driving home and the roads were getting really bad so I dropped off the Ex and then the Crush. And this is what made my night!

I know, it's a bit insignificant, but it was pretty momentous to me, but the Crush gave me a hug when I dropped him off at his place! Whoopee right! The thing is, since I kissed the Crush that night before hooking up with the Ex, there really hasn't been any physical signs of affection between the Crush and I. So tonight was progress!

I sound like a junior high school girl whenever I talk about the Crush huh? Oh well, I'm just as new to this whole dating thing (basically) as junior high school girls anyway, so it's cool.

But I do have one minor, maybe major problem with my attitude in real life. I'm apparently a kind of stuck up person. I don't mean to be and I seriously don't realize I come off that way, but my best friend (I'm sure I'll talk more about her some other time! And yeah, surprise surprise, my best friend is a fag hag/fruit fly/whatever the fuck people are calling them these days!) and the Ex both told me I do come off a bit snobbish sometimes. And a few other people I know have mentioned that when they first met me they didn't think we would become friends because they thought that I thought that I was too good for them, or something along those lines. So yeah, I'm gonna have to work on that one! It's definitely not a good thing to be selfish, stuck-up, or an asshole!

Music: "Just A Ride" by Jem

My Latest Feelings Towards Church

2007-12-07T16:38:00.000-07:00

So I've been thinking a lot about the whole church thing lately. Mainly because of the upcoming farewell for my friend this Sunday. But I don't know where this came from, but lately I've been feeling really upset with the whole Mormon church as a whole. I feel like I devoted so much time and effort into doing everything for the church and I got nothing in return. I tried to find a way towards self-acceptance, and the LDS church totally was not the right way to go for me...

The whole "faith without works is dead" thing, what's up with that? I had faith that things would work for me, but people kept saying you have to make things work for yourself. I tried that! I read, prayed, pondered, questioned, and talked about everything and I never felt like I got anything out of all my dedication. Now here I am. Just as lost and confused as I was when I was 13, except now I'm a lot older! My whole involvement with the church was a big waste of time that did nothing but make me even more confused as to who I am and what I believe in. Awesome.

But then again I know I should look at it as if I really did gain something from it. I guess you could say that I know I'm not a mormon! Phew... glad I spent such a huge portion of my life thus far to figure that one out!

Music: "You Don't Know Her Name" by Maps

This Is It...cont

2007-12-06T00:49:00.000-07:00

So yeah...

I just want to be with someone who I can just be with and yeah. I don't know. I want that someone to be the Crush, but I keep thinking that it would never work out or that I would just do something to ruin it all anyway. It's so depressing!

Plus, I totally send him mixed signals so its like one night I'll be really flirty with him and then the Ex will get jealous, but then another night I'll be really flirty with the Ex and then the Crush will get jealous. I'm so stupid! I can't help myself though. The Ex and I have a very physical attraction I think, but the attraction with the Crush is more than just the physical part. Actually I think it is mostly more than the physical part! Which is a good thing right? But why do I keep pushing him away!? I've got so much to get used to with this whole flirting/dating thing!

Okay, So I think I'm done with the background stuff for now (not that that was much background stuff anyway!). But this coming Sunday, a close friend from high school is leaving on a mission. Okay I'll just admit that part. The religion I was heavily involved with was the Mormon church. So yeah this guy who is leaving on a mission soon is having his farewell thingy this Sunday so I'm gonna go of course because we were best friends in junior high and then pretty good friends through high school, but I haven't even talked to him since this summer... So not only will it be awkward seeing him in such a long time (because I have changed SOOOOOOO much since this summer!) but I will also be going to church for the first time in a few months at my home ward and I'm 99% positive they will ask me to bless or pass the sacrament because they don't have any young men since my age of guys all moved out for college. And I am going to say no to them and tell them I haven't been going to church lately and that I can't do it. I'm excited to finally stand up for what I truly believe, but then again, I'm terrified as to what some people are gonna be saying about me. I can already picture this one older lady saying something along the lines of...

"Oh that ....... was such a good boy! I wonder what happened? He always set the perfect example. So nice, so dedicated, so faithful! And to have all of that and come from a broken, inactive family! So respectable of him. But then again I guess it's not too surprising that he's finally fallen away. His whole family has slowly fallen away, it makes sense he would follow them. Oh well."

And just like that, I'll be eliminated from the ward's memories. I don't care what people say. It's going to be just like that. I spent over the last 7 years truly getting to know these people inside and outside of the church. They'll say they will pray for me to find "the way," but I know they'll forget about me within a few weeks...

So yeah, this Sunday is the big day! And then after the meetings there's a little get together thing at my friend's house with food and everyone to socialize. I don't know if I'm gonna go to that. I should, but it will be too hard for me. I know I'll freeze up and block everything out and it will just make it really awkward and uncomfortable for people. It's kind of weird how I do it. It's not like I totally shut up or something. I just suddenly become very fake in my actions, and it's pretty obvious too according to some people that have seen me do it.

There is some part of me that wants to tell my bishop about it. I just want to see what he does. Is it like evil of me or something to want to pretend to be all sad about my "sexual urges" and go begging for help!? I've just heard so many horror stories about the incredibly stupid things some bishops tell people. I'm a little curious as to what my bishop would do... But in all honesty I really don't think I would ever tell him. I'm sure I'll tell him that I'm not interested in the church anymore and that its not for me, but I don't think I'll tell him I'm gay. Why does he need to know?

Music: "Raining Again (Steve Angello's Vocal mix)" by Moby

This Is It

2007-12-05T22:15:00.001-07:00

This is my blog. It feels good to be a blogger!

So for the first post I guess I could just say a bit about me...

I'm just finishing my first semester of college. Next week is Finals week, so I'll be pretty busy this coming week I think. But yeah, I am gay and I'm in the process of coming out. Surprise! Surprise! This is probably gonna be seen as just another gay blog, but whatever. This one is mine.

I just recently came out to my parents and they were all really supportive. My parents divorced when I was really young and my Dad remarried and my Father and Stepmother recently adopted a little girl who is now like 4ish. I also have an older sister who is 6 years older than I am and I came out to her about a month before I came out to my parents.

I feel like I'm a little late on this whole blogging thing. It's like, I've already done most of the hard stuff with my immediate family and even a lot of my closest friends, but I still feel like something is missing.

Anyway, back to the coming out process story. I started college in August by moving out of my mother's house and into the campus dorms. I was also deeply involved with a very anti-gay church. I stopped going to church the weekend I moved into the dorms and I have not been back since! But I promised myself that I was going to live MY LIFE once I started college, and that meant leaving the church I didn't believe in and telling people that yeah, I am gay, so what?

A month or two went by and nobody in the dorms seemed to really care that I was gay. It's not like I went around shouting it out to everybody that I'm gay, but if people asked, I told the truth. Most people know now, but there still are some people that don't know I think... Anyway, yeah a month or two went by and nothing really happened, until one drunken night...

I was drunk when I lost my virginity. I know, how depressing. Oh, well. The guy at least was somebody that I knew and am fairly good friends with, but there was absolutely zero love interest, just the fact that we both were gay and horny and virgins...

Yeah, I then came out to my sister and then my family soon after that. I hooked up with the same guy again about a week after our first time, but then I decided to cut the whole sex thing off because I really wasn't interested in having a real relationship with this guy and he was. So I had to end things before they got to deep and complicated.

Then a little bit later I got drunk and hooked up with this other guy. Big mistake with this guy though. I knew this guy pretty well too and we were definitely more than just fairly good friends, but there is some drama involved. This guy was dating this other guy for a really long time and then they broke up and I met the two of them about a month after their break up. I didn't hook up with the one guy for a long time of hanging out with them and really getting to know both of them. The mistake is that I had (have!) a HUGE crush on the other guy! Oops! Yeah it really isn't a good idea to fuck your crushes long-term ex! Especially when, oh yeah, the night before you hook up with the ex, you make out with the crush! What the fuck! I am so stupid! So yeah things were really cool with, we'll just call them, the Crush and the Ex, and right when things were advancing somewhere maybe really special with the Crush, I fuck up, literally.

The first week after the hook up between the Ex and I it was really awkward around the Crush. He at first was just like "Whatever. It's cool. It's not like any of us were in any solid relationships anyway, so I have no reason to get upset." But yeah he soon crumbled after the first week and was really upset and said that he didn't ever want to like hang out with me again and that it would be best if we weren't friends and stuff like that. It was so hard for me. I think it was just because this was like the first real episode of any kind of romantic dating thing for me, and so for it to quickly result in a complete disaster all as a result of my actions, I was so crushed. I was so depressed for so long. I cried about it to some of my friends and my sister. I was so upset with myself that I had gone and done something like that. I just couldn't control myself when I knew, I KNEW what it would mean for me and the Crush.

Since the hook up, my relationship with the Crush has slowly been nursed to a weak yet substantial friendship. My relationship with the Ex is probably about the same, but I lead him on so much. I have no idea why. The Crush mentioned to me a while back "If I just removed myself from the situation, would you and the Ex get together?" God! Why do I do this to myself? I'm like subconsciously destroying my own desires to be in a real relationship with the guy I truly like! Why!?!?! I've tried to show interest in the Crush since the hook up, but it just doesn't seem to work very well. And flirting with the Ex is so easy for some reason. I think it's just because we've hooked up, there is already that kind of sexual tension that is released and yet still there so much that it just helps things click in a different way.

Something just came up and I've got to go right now, but more later!