And then, the Crush texted me after I got off of work and wondered if I wanted to go to his place and have a few beers and hang out with him and two of his girl friends (definitely fag hags...). But I was so exhausted that I told him I was just gonna go to bed...And I was kicking myself in the ass the next morning totally regretting it. I should have gone and seen him. Why not? Who cares if I was tired, I was up till about 1:30 anyway. I mean I probably would have been up a lot later if I had gone and seen him, but whatever. And I mean come on, just totally relaxing and hanging out...who knows what might have possibly happened!
I'm not just saying that I want to get with the Crush. I do actually really like him. I think about him all the time. It's a little scary, almost obsessive I guess you could say, but it's not really entirely my fault. I just get reminded of him so easily. Like, he likes most of the lights turned off and being a darker atmosphere, so whenever I'm just hanging out in my room at night and I'm just sitting on my bed with the lamp on, it's a pretty shitty lamp, so it barely lights up the room and it totally creates a mood that reminds me of the Crush. Plus, music is another huge thing that reminds me of him. I never really liked Madonna until one day I was hanging out at the Crushes apartment with some people (it was actually me, the Crush, the Ex, and the first guy I hooked up with...kind of a strange combo when it happened...) and we were listening to some music of the Crush's and when Madonna came on I totally realized how much I love her too. And now every time I listen to Madonna, I think of the Crush. Oh, and the Sounds and Moby are also definitely Crush bands. The Crush and I had chemistry lab discussion together, so whenever I went to that class I was constantly thinking about him and glancing around the auditorium to see if I could see him and stuff. I don't know. I just get so easily reminded of him. Oh, and his last name. I take public transportation to work because I'm a poor college student (I do have my own car, but as a college student I get a free public transport pass) and on the way to work, we pass by an apartment complex that is called " 'The Crush's Last Name' Apartments." So I basically think of him every day I work too. I could go on about a few other things too, but then I really would be obsessing... (Oh and this one book I'm reading has a review on the back, and the reviewer's last name is the same as the Crush's too... The book is Girls who like Boys who like Boys it's kind of a cute book about a bunch of random collection of stories/personal narratives about gay men and their relationships with women. It was an early Christmas gift from one of my girl friends who originally befriended me because she thought I was cute and had a crush on me. Boy was she surprised, and disappointed..., when I told her!)
And then yeah, Sunday was the big day of the farewell. It was so uncomfortable to be there. Luckily nobody asked me to help bless the sacrament, but that was only because I was purposely late... which also meant I got to sit in the back of the chapel. My Mom came with me, so it wasn't so bad because she was there. But my Young Men's President came over and of course wanted to talk about stuff since I hadn't really seen him since mid-August when I last went to church (Yeah, I was totally active in the LDS church until this last August when I started coming out to myself and slowly to my new friends and then my family, and now to my long time friends...). He of course mentioned how it will only be a few more months until I can start filling out my papers and then go on a mission myself. I told him that I wasn't so sure about going on a mission, I said "maybe, maybe not." I then said the same thing to this one older lady in the ward that is pretty good "friends" with my Mom. As we were leaving, my Mom asked why I didn't just tell people that I wasn't going. I know for sure that I'm not going on a mission, so why even tell them otherwise? And she's right. I should have just been like "You know what, I'm not gonna go on a mission because I've realized that the gospel and everything with the church just isn't entirely for me." But I chickened out and couldn't bring myself to telling everyone I wasn't gonna live up to their expectations.
But yeah my friend gave a little talk and in the end he was thanking everyone in his life for support and when he got to his friends he mentioned he started to choke up and cry a bit and said how glad he was that all his friends have always been there for him and that they've helped him make good choices and stay away from bad choices that they could have easily made. That's kind of when I realized that I wasn't one of those friends to him. I'm not. I was for about 4 years of my life, but the last few years really haven't been much of a healthy relationship in those terms. I started quickly falling away from the church this last May when I started drinking with my friends and then the swearing came on and then the skipping church every now and then... But I knew that I would eventually fall away from the church anyway. It was inevitable. If I wanted to be happy and gay, I would have to get away from the mormon church. And I think a lot of people will know what I mean when I mention this certain "look" that mormons have towards people that aren't mormon. I guess more specifically, people that used to be mormon, but suddenly reveal that they have been "sinning" or when someone is suspected to be mormon but when they find out that they really are not mormon... It's these instances when the mormons have this signature "look." It's one of the worst looks in the world, and I've been getting it so much these past few months. It's like, suddenly all the life and everything portrayed through someone's gaze is suddenly, instantly vanished. Nothing. It's as if you suddenly ruined their life or something by simply telling them that maybe the church just isn't for you. I can't quite explain it entirely, but this "look" is awful, and I got it from my friend last Sunday.
When the meeting was over, I went up to hug him and say congratulations and whatever and I told him that I would call him sometime this week and we could have lunch or something before he leaves (next Wednesday!). But yeah he quickly started talking to me and wouldn't let me leave with just a quick congratulations-hug-goodbye. He asked what I have been up to the past few months (I really haven't even seen him since August probably...) and I told him just having fun at college. He asked if I had been going to a student ward at all, and when I told him no, that's when it hit me. Like a train. Like a freaking freight train going a million miles an hour. I was erased from his bank of "good" friends. I've known him way too long to not know that this is exactly what he thought. His Dad was our bishop for 6 years and was just released this last year, so my friend was definitely what I considered a "super-mormon." And just like that, my best friend from all of junior high and my first year of high school cut me out of his life. God, I wonder what he'll think when he finds out I'm gay too. But then again, it's not like we've been very good friends since that first year of high school, so what's the big deal? I have other, better, more substantial friendships now...
So I basically felt like shit the rest of Sunday. I spent it studying The Iliad, The Golden Ass, Aeneid, Oedipus the King, and The Book of Job for an English-Philosophy-Honors-class final I had on Monday morning. But I did, however, totally rock that final! So I'm pretty happy about that. I'll find out officially on Friday how well I did, but I'm pretty sure I did really well. So now I only have one more final and it's not until Friday, and it's in Chemistry. I am totally a weird gay guy. I love science and math! I love them! Which is kind of unusual for a generalized view of gay men right? Don't most gay guys like literature, acting, political science, and other artsy stuff? So yeah, my Chemistry final, it'll be a total breeze! Which means I have the whole week to lazily study for my favorite class and just chill!
Yeah, I have this habit of staying up like really late, like every night. I think that's why I was so tired on Saturday night. After the whole week of staying up really late, it finally caught up to me then. Shit. It's like 2 in the morning now. I always seem to get side tracked when typing up posts. I think I started this like an hour ago, but some girls came by and visited me for a bit, they were drunk, it was exciting....and really loud! I should probably go to sleep. I don't want to tell the Crush I can't hang out with him because I'm tired again! But I don't want to go to sleep. I just want to cuddle with someone. Is that too much to ask for?
Music: "Prescilla" by Bat For Lashes
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