I just want to be with someone who I can just be with and yeah. I don't know. I want that someone to be the Crush, but I keep thinking that it would never work out or that I would just do something to ruin it all anyway. It's so depressing!
Plus, I totally send him mixed signals so its like one night I'll be really flirty with him and then the Ex will get jealous, but then another night I'll be really flirty with the Ex and then the Crush will get jealous. I'm so stupid! I can't help myself though. The Ex and I have a very physical attraction I think, but the attraction with the Crush is more than just the physical part. Actually I think it is mostly more than the physical part! Which is a good thing right? But why do I keep pushing him away!? I've got so much to get used to with this whole flirting/dating thing!
Okay, So I think I'm done with the background stuff for now (not that that was much background stuff anyway!). But this coming Sunday, a close friend from high school is leaving on a mission. Okay I'll just admit that part. The religion I was heavily involved with was the Mormon church. So yeah this guy who is leaving on a mission soon is having his farewell thingy this Sunday so I'm gonna go of course because we were best friends in junior high and then pretty good friends through high school, but I haven't even talked to him since this summer... So not only will it be awkward seeing him in such a long time (because I have changed SOOOOOOO much since this summer!) but I will also be going to church for the first time in a few months at my home ward and I'm 99% positive they will ask me to bless or pass the sacrament because they don't have any young men since my age of guys all moved out for college. And I am going to say no to them and tell them I haven't been going to church lately and that I can't do it. I'm excited to finally stand up for what I truly believe, but then again, I'm terrified as to what some people are gonna be saying about me. I can already picture this one older lady saying something along the lines of...
"Oh that ....... was such a good boy! I wonder what happened? He always set the perfect example. So nice, so dedicated, so faithful! And to have all of that and come from a broken, inactive family! So respectable of him. But then again I guess it's not too surprising that he's finally fallen away. His whole family has slowly fallen away, it makes sense he would follow them. Oh well."
And just like that, I'll be eliminated from the ward's memories. I don't care what people say. It's going to be just like that. I spent over the last 7 years truly getting to know these people inside and outside of the church. They'll say they will pray for me to find "the way," but I know they'll forget about me within a few weeks...
So yeah, this Sunday is the big day! And then after the meetings there's a little get together thing at my friend's house with food and everyone to socialize. I don't know if I'm gonna go to that. I should, but it will be too hard for me. I know I'll freeze up and block everything out and it will just make it really awkward and uncomfortable for people. It's kind of weird how I do it. It's not like I totally shut up or something. I just suddenly become very fake in my actions, and it's pretty obvious too according to some people that have seen me do it.
There is some part of me that wants to tell my bishop about it. I just want to see what he does. Is it like evil of me or something to want to pretend to be all sad about my "sexual urges" and go begging for help!? I've just heard so many horror stories about the incredibly stupid things some bishops tell people. I'm a little curious as to what my bishop would do... But in all honesty I really don't think I would ever tell him. I'm sure I'll tell him that I'm not interested in the church anymore and that its not for me, but I don't think I'll tell him I'm gay. Why does he need to know?
Music: "Raining Again (Steve Angello's Vocal mix)" by Moby
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