So for the first post I guess I could just say a bit about me...
I'm just finishing my first semester of college. Next week is Finals week, so I'll be pretty busy this coming week I think. But yeah, I am gay and I'm in the process of coming out. Surprise! Surprise! This is probably gonna be seen as just another gay blog, but whatever. This one is mine.
I just recently came out to my parents and they were all really supportive. My parents divorced when I was really young and my Dad remarried and my Father and Stepmother recently adopted a little girl who is now like 4ish. I also have an older sister who is 6 years older than I am and I came out to her about a month before I came out to my parents.
I feel like I'm a little late on this whole blogging thing. It's like, I've already done most of the hard stuff with my immediate family and even a lot of my closest friends, but I still feel like something is missing.
Anyway, back to the coming out process story. I started college in August by moving out of my mother's house and into the campus dorms. I was also deeply involved with a very anti-gay church. I stopped going to church the weekend I moved into the dorms and I have not been back since! But I promised myself that I was going to live MY LIFE once I started college, and that meant leaving the church I didn't believe in and telling people that yeah, I am gay, so what?
A month or two went by and nobody in the dorms seemed to really care that I was gay. It's not like I went around shouting it out to everybody that I'm gay, but if people asked, I told the truth. Most people know now, but there still are some people that don't know I think... Anyway, yeah a month or two went by and nothing really happened, until one drunken night...
I was drunk when I lost my virginity. I know, how depressing. Oh, well. The guy at least was somebody that I knew and am fairly good friends with, but there was absolutely zero love interest, just the fact that we both were gay and horny and virgins...
Yeah, I then came out to my sister and then my family soon after that. I hooked up with the same guy again about a week after our first time, but then I decided to cut the whole sex thing off because I really wasn't interested in having a real relationship with this guy and he was. So I had to end things before they got to deep and complicated.
Then a little bit later I got drunk and hooked up with this other guy. Big mistake with this guy though. I knew this guy pretty well too and we were definitely more than just fairly good friends, but there is some drama involved. This guy was dating this other guy for a really long time and then they broke up and I met the two of them about a month after their break up. I didn't hook up with the one guy for a long time of hanging out with them and really getting to know both of them. The mistake is that I had (have!) a HUGE crush on the other guy! Oops! Yeah it really isn't a good idea to fuck your crushes long-term ex! Especially when, oh yeah, the night before you hook up with the ex, you make out with the crush! What the fuck! I am so stupid! So yeah things were really cool with, we'll just call them, the Crush and the Ex, and right when things were advancing somewhere maybe really special with the Crush, I fuck up, literally.
The first week after the hook up between the Ex and I it was really awkward around the Crush. He at first was just like "Whatever. It's cool. It's not like any of us were in any solid relationships anyway, so I have no reason to get upset." But yeah he soon crumbled after the first week and was really upset and said that he didn't ever want to like hang out with me again and that it would be best if we weren't friends and stuff like that. It was so hard for me. I think it was just because this was like the first real episode of any kind of romantic dating thing for me, and so for it to quickly result in a complete disaster all as a result of my actions, I was so crushed. I was so depressed for so long. I cried about it to some of my friends and my sister. I was so upset with myself that I had gone and done something like that. I just couldn't control myself when I knew, I KNEW what it would mean for me and the Crush.
Since the hook up, my relationship with the Crush has slowly been nursed to a weak yet substantial friendship. My relationship with the Ex is probably about the same, but I lead him on so much. I have no idea why. The Crush mentioned to me a while back "If I just removed myself from the situation, would you and the Ex get together?" God! Why do I do this to myself? I'm like subconsciously destroying my own desires to be in a real relationship with the guy I truly like! Why!?!?! I've tried to show interest in the Crush since the hook up, but it just doesn't seem to work very well. And flirting with the Ex is so easy for some reason. I think it's just because we've hooked up, there is already that kind of sexual tension that is released and yet still there so much that it just helps things click in a different way.
Something just came up and I've got to go right now, but more later!
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